Guilty as charged..

I'm suppose to write a story about my trip to Mulu recently, but something (not just procrastination, but that's most of it) is stopping me from doing it. The excuse is that I need to be in the right mood to write. At the moment, I can't find the mood. I don't know why. In fact, I've not had the mood to write for over a year now. Must be because my life's so boring I can't even entertain myself by writing. Which is sad.

So I guess at some point, before I completely forget all the stories that I had from the trip, coupled by more trips soon to come, I should start writing. I should.

I should

But I procrastinate so well....

:D

Retail Theraphy...

It helps.

Really.

But only for so long. Haha. At least I'm not swapping one pain with another, as long as I control the amount I spend.

Must find really cheap things to retail theraphy for..

:D

A thought like no other

Hmm.. It's been more than 3 months since my last post. Clearly I have much less to write these days. Should find something to do in life so I can write about it.

What a sorry excuse to give myself.. haha

In any case, I have recently thrown a question at myself that I'm not sure if I know the answer, if I can answer and if I will ever answer.

Just a short reminder to self and the random people who come across this entry, I have always tried to resist the 3 things I feel this world is too reliant on:

Money
Other People
Procreation

Having said that, whatever I have in life today I try to stay away from an old chinese saying, literally translated as "Even in Death I Don't Care". As much as I believe this world is evil, the earth is dying and humanity is but an ideal, I still cannot completely forsake humanity and that I do keep whatever semblance of it that I have in me, in me. So in wanting to do that, I will need to not lose hope in humanity.

Unfortunately, my belief that procreation is process that I wish not to partake contradicts that faith in humanity. By not procreating, I rescind the duty of ensuring the human race survives. Yes, 6 billion or more other people can do it on my behalf, but this is about me, remember?

My theory on kids, or not having them, lies mainly in the current state of the world which, without a whole lot of planning and backup plans, means that every new life I help create is forced upon living a life of most difficulty, especially morally, without the known option of not having to live now (they may prefer to live later, or earlier.. :P) (for those who believe in reincarnation or similar theories, you could argue that the soul made the choice to live before they were born again, but as I don't quite believe in reincarnation, and I personally feel I wasn't given a choice to be born, I'll stick to what I know clearly for the moment). I don't like that, not giving each newborn child that option. It gets even worse when the parents didn't consider things that way and chose to procreate out of sheer ignorance, or selfishness (the desire to procreate is strong within humanity, like it or not), making the life that comes anew facing so many more obstacles that shouldn't have been there had the new parents to be made conscientious thought an effort to prepare themselves and their soon to arrive newborn.

Yet, the decision, or the lack of effort to procreate, ultimately means that person has given up on life. That person technically, through the very decision to not procreate, decide that there is no hope for humanity and nothing that comes forth from them can change it. By believing the process of parenthood and the upbringing of a child in these difficult times unworthy of a risk that the new life can grow up to make a diffierence in the world, small or large, means giving up on life. Not giving another life a chance to live, by not procreating, means giving up on life.

Painful thoughts those are. I still believe ignorance is bliss, even though I keep choosing not to, despite knowing I can, at times, be ignorant and be blissful. At this point of time I have a thousand and one excuses to defend my lack of progress in not giving up on humanity, but I know as time goes on, I will have less and less excuses to use and even less time to make ammends.

A short life will help.

Unfortunately I keep getting this feeling that the maker doesn't plan to let me die young without me conscientiously trying.

I don't actually want to test that feeling, either.

What a great way to start 2010...

Shoot me....

For I am the messenger..

I didn't actually get shot literally, but I sort of felt that way.

Last Friday I noticed one of my colleagues doing something that broke company policy and through a sheer lack of judgement, I decided to tell them directly instead of doing it anonymously via the many channels that my company provides. Now, usually I do it anonymously (yes, I find these instances every now and then..) but with this colleague I had the impression that they would understand it was the wrong thing, appreciate the heads up and proceed to do the right thing.

Unfortunately for me the experience wasn't even close to that. The first few words back included, "You should know me better. I'm sad. Are you going to complain? I don't want to get into trouble." No thanks to an internal messaging system at work, the colleague had the cheek to post comments meant for other people to me, which included, "He wants to know what I'm going to do. Which leader I am gonig to speak to. He still wants to know." When I told them they've posted on the wrong chat, there wasn't a slightest hint of regret or sorry in the reply. "I'm not a technical person. Yeah, it's a mistake." Rude?

It's not the end of it. In my note to this colleague I explained my concerns, where the company policies were broken and that if they did not do anything to report/correct the error, I would. That, somehow turned into me wanting to 'complain'. Sigh. (see why it's never a good idea to tell colleagues directly their errors?) by the end of the day I got an sms to explain that they are taking steps to migitate the problem. It also came with something along the lines of " I wished you'd had told me there and then if you knew I did something wrong so I could correct it immediately. If you knew you were going to complain anyway..."

So there it is, the messenger shot dead. Granted, not exactly the most subtle of messengers but not supposed to be shot nonetheless. Even if I could have told them straight away (which I couldn't, as I wasn't completely sure and by the time I was, the 'situation' was beyond rectification. But does anybody care?) it wasn't my responsibility to help them avoid non-compliance. They needed to help themselves first.

Oh well. Nothing pays as well as doing the right thing. I'll remember to not trust the person whom I have observed to have breached company rules to act lawfully and just raise all my concerns anonymously. It's not so much the fear of retribution I try to avoid, its the fact that the person(s) involved would never (ok, highly unlikely) appreciate being told their wrong, late. oh, somehow it's my fault, and not theirs...

Of Friends and....

Well, the whole lack of it..

For those unfamiliar of me, I have few friends. At the current moment I count 3. But then again, friends for me are people that I can really call upon in my hour of need and that I know, despite all our differences I will not have any problems spending time with them.

The funny thing is that, I realise (awhile back, actually), none of my friends belong to the same ethnicity as I am.

A quick aside, as I live in Malaysia, where there are several major races and countless minor ones, despite all our hoo har on being a mutiracial nation, people as they have all been have a tendency to stick to their own kind. So Malays hanging out with Malays, Chinese with Chinese, etc. Common; Expected.

I am Chinese. Of the 3 I call Friend, 1 is a Malay. Another a mixed Indian-Sarawakian Bumi( Bidayuh I think...uh oh.. not good). The last one is a Sri-Lankan Chinese mix. I have no Chinese friends. I had one during my school years but as I grew older and started working, I became more and more distant from my own ethnicity as ever. No wonder I have problems attracting chinese females. :D

I do not feel bad at the lack of Friends, as I always feel that friends should be far and few as these people require alot from me to keep. If I have too many Friends, I lose the ability to contribute to the friendship as I would want to/need to and then they all just turn into mere associates/acquaintances.

I just feel so weird sometimes that I am so far off the common grid I need to tell myself its true. Oh, its true...

Possibly My Greatest Flaw...

Quote:

“Until you make peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have.” Doris Mortman

But I'm too content with what I have!

Sigh...

Is it time...

to spill the guts out?

I'd say not quite, but it needs documenting anyway so here goes..


Prologue:

In June 2008 I just changed roles within my company and got introduced to a colleague who was rather health savvy. Through our interaction I was challenged, or encouraged, to consider reducing my weight. The key highlight of this encounter was how over a period of less than 4 weeks, I was influenced from 'Living to Eat' to 'Eating to Live'..

Note, for those unaware, I am somewhat of a glutton and find food rather irresistable. It didn't help that my childhood was one of poverty, so having food to eat more than that to stave off hunger was a luxury, one I never miss. To me, free food was always good food. Beggars can't be choosers......

I weight approximately 108KG before I caved in and asked my colleague to act as my dietician.


This first month:

The plan was to monitor what I eat. I've always overeaten, especially during lunch and dinners. Anyone who's ever seen my plate of mixed rice for lunches would comment on the mountain of food I had. So part of the gameplan was to change my food intake.

There were the usual restrictions. No oily food, deep fried dishes and fatty meats. Rice, my core intake daily, became rationed. Vegetables were changed to be my main food source. I was given a visual picture of splitting my plate to 6 portions; 4 for vegetables, 1 for meats and 1 for carbohydrates.

It was tough. But I was motivated and it was nice to have someone else care about my weight. I dug deep and got stuck in.

I recall losing about 2-3 KG the next time I weighed in. Cool stuff.. :D

The following months:

Progress was good but it was slow. At around 30+KGs overweight, I had a lot to do to even reach the border of an acceptable BMI.

As I manage the changes to my food, I was given stricter regime. Lunch remained the same, but dinner was to be made of significantly more vegetables than anything else. I for one loathe cooking, not so much because it taste awful ( I can't cook, but can eat most things I cook, however horrible the taste) but more for the time ratio between preparing the meal and actually consuming it. For me, the time required to prepare a meal should not exceed the expected time required to consume it. Else, it's really a waste of time. Luckily for me, my self prepared dinner menu included baked beans, (canned) tuna, bread and a variety of salad vegetables that required very little cooking, if at all. So I could get dinner ready in less than 10 minutes.

Even bread was rationed, especially on my weekends where I do not go out to eat. 2 slices for breakfast, 4 slices for lunch and 3 slices for dinner. No dumping loads of stuffs in between the slices ala Garfield; I'm allowed only light spread of olive oil butter or some tuna chunks in water. My food, overall was as bland as the word could be defined. Fortunately for me, I have very little issues eating bland food; As long as they aren't bad and giving me digestive issues, I'll eat it.

This went on for a few months. My weight loss were a little more apparent, dropping down to low 90 KGs by October 2008. Still far from safety, still a long way to go..

No more free consultation:

Unfortunately for me I have a thing about messing up with good things that happen to me and by October I lost my free 'dietician'. however, I was already getting used to the routine of avoiding oily food, rice and eating more vegetables. While my motivation dwindled with the lack of push from an external party, in addition of the pressure of delivering results so that my caretaker's efforts weren't in vain, I managed to keep myself in check most of my meals. I do end up with an occasional splurged of sinful food; A kuey teow goreng here, nasi lemak there and a Carl's Junior in between. But I have now gotten used to mixed rice with no rice, much of a surprise to many vendors seeing this big man not want rice, let alone add rice..

It's fun to surprise people sometimes, especially doing something completely unexpected.

By the end of 2009, I was hovering around mid 80s. Still having work to do, but at least I'm not way out there in terms of obesity..

Epilogue:

I'm now see sawing between 78-82 KGs these days. I'd like to drop down to low 70s or even high 60s, but that isn't going to happen until I will myself to exercise. Yes, I lost around 30 KGs by just watching what I eat. Not something that everyone can do, especially if they aren't way overweight in the first place. In my honest opinion, it only works for people who over eat all the time and are way obese. If you're just looking to get a better weight than your already good weight, work out.

My Joys:
1) Not having ankle and foot problems that, according to my orthopedist, was due to my weight.
2) Getting to wear pants 6 inches smaller.
3) Getting better mileage from my car.
4) Being able to jump, run and more or less stretch around without feeling utterly tired and overworked.
5) Discovering almonds as a snack. (Oh, yes, even my snack menu got changed!)
6) Learning to be more observant with food packaging and ingredient details. Not exactly an expert, but better than what I was before (as in oblivious).
7) Ok, it just feels good to not be overweight by a lot.

My sorrows:
1) Still having a bulging tummy (exercise you lazy bum!)
2) Getting all sorts of random people saying I've lost weight. I don't need you to tell me something I already know.
3) Losing motivation to keep up the work so that I can be fitter for my upcoming Go-Kart race.
4) Having a newly bought 'slim fit' shirt still in my closet because of the bulging tummy. Sigh..
5) Craving and missing oily food.
6) Seeing food for their 'sinful' content and not their taste value.
7) No longer able to maximise a buffet meal!!!!!!

May I keep this up for years to come and one day wear that shirt without looking like a fool!

Oh, and stop telling me I've lost weight! Because I haven't, at least not for the past 4-6 months!