Coping with depression

Sad to say, I must admit, I get depressed way to easily. Damn that chemical make-up. I use to deal with it rather extremely, either going ballistic or self destruct, or ignore it completely. It's time to face it head on.....Deal with it.

This time I was asked to not join a group for lunch. Something others would just shrug off, yet here I am, depressed. I know why I am depressed, the question is how do I deal with it? I have joined them many times for lunch, I guess probably not anymore....

I have long analysed that in any group of people, there will be 1 person (at least) who'd always be the fall guy. The guy everyone ignores, insults and bullies. Oh, they're rarely female. What I'd always hope was to not be that guy. Yet as I get on with life, I seem to play that role more and more often. Wherever I go, I seem to find myself trying to be in a group that I don't belong....or I don't know how.....

It doesn't help that I lack tact, and my inter-personal skills leaves a lot to be desired. And just when I thought I may have found a place that I belong, bang! Right in the face I get hit and I get left out again. Yes, I know how it feels. To be left out, all alone, when everyone thinks that you're weird and better left alone. I try to avoid doing the same to others as much as I can, unfortunately I admit, I make others feel the same way too. You reap what you sow?

So this thing, being outcast, isn't really others fault. There's no point keeping company of anyone that isn't really a company, so to speak. The onus truly lies on me. My inability to adapt results in me failing to connect. My inability to cope results in me trying to distance myself from others. Which basically comes down to the point, will I ever find home? A place to belong? I guess not, unless I change.

The question now is, how should I change? I've always hoped to get insomnia and reprogram how I think. Maybe that way I can start afresh and be less, alien. But that's wishful thinking. So what's more tangible, more reasonable?

I can't think of any now. But I do know it's time to cope with it and stop rebuilding walls to protect myself. If the walls are torn down, leave it down. Let pain walk right through it and learn to stand up again. Stop trying to resist this pain and try to condition myself to be tough enough to fend it off.

What's on my mind:


I have often dreamed, of a far off place
Where a hero's welcome, would be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer, when they see my face
And a voice keeps saying, this is where I'm meant to be

I'll be there someday, I can go the distance
I will find my way, if I can be strong
I know ev'ry mile, will be worth my while
When I go the distance, I'll be right where I belong

Down an unknown road, to embrace my fate
Though that road may wander, it will lead me to you
And a thousand years, would be worth the wait
It might take a lifetime, but somehow I'll see it through

And I won't look back, I can go the distance
And I'll stay on track, no, I won't accept defeat
It's an uphill slope, but I won't lose hope
Till I go the distance, and my journey is complete

But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part
For a hero's strength is measured by his heart

Like a shooting star, I will go the distance
I will search the world, I will face its' harms
I don't care how far, I can go the distance
Till I find my hero's welcome, waiting in your arms

I will search the world, I will face its harms
Till I find my hero's welcome, waiting in your arms