Random thought when I can't sleep

What happens if I get a heart attack and I've got only moments to reflect on my life? What would I have been happy to have done/not done and what would be my regrets?

Regrets:

1) Not leaving my legacy of the musical pieces in my mind. I should really start writing them down but procrastination and a severe lack of theory is making it tougher and tougher. Not to mention I think because I'm stil keeping them in my mind for so long, I have lost the ability to make new ones, as I keep going back to my previous melodies/themes.

2) Not having visited Gua Niah, which frankly speaking is the only real place I want to visit. Mainly because it is/was the largest natural cave in the world and it's right smack in my own country (though seperated by the South China Sea).

3) Not finding someone to love who will love me. For the man that I am and the woman that she is.

4) Having my parents live past my life. This I believe is the worst thing a normal child can do to their parents. Normal because a child that is already doing drugs, crime and what not would have done worse and those, somewhat isn't normal anymore.

Joys:

1) Not having to go through yet another heartache, after heartaches. Lazy yes, but then again, I'm not known to be able to handle my emotions anyway.

2) Being able to claim my insurances having only paying for it for about 1 year. Hahaha..Too bad I can't use any of the money.

3) That I have survived the urges of being evil and being materialistic. However as long as I still live, I will continue to fight against these influences.

Hmmm, looks like I have fewer joys than regrets..

Need work...Lots of work..

Procrastination....

is my answer to impulsion.

I've always known I've been a rather impulsive person, despite my overall nature of being an 'anal planner'. As much as I like to plan, many things that I do happen at the spur of the moment. In the past I've always thought this was down to my weird mood swings. Recent events, however, has led me to realise this:

When I'm not Impulsive, I'll Procrastinate (infinitely, or maybe close).

Harsh words even to myself. Of course, for the things I must do, I will. But many things in life aren't always 'must'. Even eating, sleeping, drinking, in most instances, are a 'can' and not a 'must' until a very last moment.

I'll give some examples.

I currently live quite a long way from the city and my home is really quite nice to stick around on weekends. So unless I have something major that I must do, I wouldn't even go out, even to buy food for meals. Occasionally I'll get these impulse to go out somewhere. For that moment, if I decide to take it up, I will go. But if the decision is delayed (either because where I want to go to or who I want to go with isn't as decisive), then moments later, I will just retreat back to my previous condition and no longer wants to go anywhere.

Another example would have been my dream trip to Japan. I've thought of it many times, but everytime it's all thoughts and no action. Subsequently nothing comes out of it and these days, I'd rather not think of it knowing full well I won't do anything about it.

Now at some point I would say that I just lack the drive to do what I want to do, but I've also realised that if I had done everything I wanted to do on an impulse, I'd done many things I'd regret or even suffer in consequence. So in essence, my abilty to procrastinate has, one way or another, saved me from so many really silly decisions and actions. Of course, it has also made me miss so many opportunities and wasted so much time. But then again, not like actually pursuing those opportunities would have made things that much different. Potentiallity isn't the same as reality.

Having said that, I read an article by this M:tG designer/writer who I like reading alot and his most recent 2 parter was about his wedding. Oh, his wedding is way cool, for those who can appreciate a break from tradition. Unfortunately, for most people, the article would not make much sense as he intertwines his wedding story with M:tG design story. But in case you're curious (as I would), here's http://wizards.com/Magic/Magazine/Article.aspx?x=mtg/daily/mm/10 (it's part 2 by the way. You can get part 1 from the article link). Now I'm not talking about getting married here, but in his article he said that designers (or im my case, me), should learn to trust the gut. I would take that as trusting the moments I go on impulse. But how do I do that?

I guess that would probably take me even more years though by then, I'd probably have no gut feel to go about anymore. At least I could boast of the many things I didn't end up doing. How's that for positivity and seeing glasses half full??? hahahaha

At work..

and obviously not working...

This countdown (which incidentally, is now down to 5 days) is taking it's toll. After next weekend my life may change drastically, or may not change at all. But until that time is over and done with me, I'm in limbo.

Having said that, why let something as major as that ruin my current life (which, in reality, I wonder if I have one)? While I don't have much to blog about (actually, I have nothing to blog about..:p) I could run through some simple updates just to bide time.

1) I did meet up with that guy last Friday. He hasn't changed one bit. Looks, talks and acts the same. Drives the same car too. He has, however moved to his own landed property and while he hasn't switched jobs (not just company, but jobs! Where do you find people like that these days??) he has travelled much further than I have so kudos to him. It was a relatively quiet dinner since well, we're both rather socially inept guys..haha..

2) Not progressing as I should with my piano lessons. Not helped that I am not practicing enough as well as not having the right tools for practice. Looking out now for a reconditioned piano hoping to find a lucky break. The funny thing is, if I do get my piano, I'll have to lose my King sized bed as I have no more room in my room! (Oh yes, sleeping alone in a King sized bed can be, erm....spacious...:p) Which means more costs! This is going to get expensive.

3) Getting tired with the bugs that I face with NWN2. Looking more and more likely to buy the original so that I can get online patches and support. I want to finish the story..WANT.....zzzzzz

Tasol folks....

Network Marketing banes...

as I try to catch up with old pals.

Recently I've been dogged with this notion to catch up with people I used to know and maybe get an idea on how their lives have evolved. I don't remember most people in my past, but those I do I end up having a curious notion of 'what happened to you?' in me.

The only problem is, at the same time, everyone involved in Network Marketing is doing the same thing too. Calling up long lost friends, pals, colleagues, classmates, you name it they'll call it..Making me suddenly operating much like them and also having difficulty getting an appointment. How sad.

Well, again I would like to state for the record, Network Marketing is a scam!! (in most instances, anyway). I could never (yes, never) bring myself to actually get involved in Network Marketing because my conscience does not allow me to do so. So for anyone who reads here and knows me in real life, take note...(and be easy on this introverted guy because I don't make appointments a whole lot and the slightest obstacle turns me off big time..)

Haha, so anyway, for this guy I had to explain clearly I have no intention to sell him anything. We're meeting up today, if he doesn't feel like I'm lying. Though I can't be since really, I wouldn't have a clue what to sell him.

Candies anyone?? :p

Too many things...

too little time. Or I'm just spending my time too much on the wrong things.

I haven't been practicing, which is bad since I'm paying for the classes. But recently I managed to find myself a installable copy of NeverWinter Nights 2 and since then, well, my life's been a CRPG. Which is bad since me being me, over-indulgence with PC games has a way of altering my life to become, well, un-life? Hahaha. Zombie would be a better term. So while I work on breaking that habit, I also end up working hard on finding copies for its 2 expansions. Yes, things couldn't get any worse....

Add that to a need to wrestle again....


On a side note, I'm finding people to make a trip to Batu Caves with me..hehehe. Looks like I'm not the only KLite that's been here yet not done that (visit and climbed batu Caves ridiculous amounts of steps). Hopefully that happens in a near future, like end of the month/beginning of next month. Otherwise like all my trip plans, they get suggested and then like most dreams, get forgotten.

Oh, while I'm at it, countdown now is 10 days and counting. :(

Not pulling my weight..

Pun unintended, I think..

I'm a little annoyed with myself that I'm not practicing enough for my piano lessons. Feels like I need a whip of sorts to get me to spend at least 30 minutes to an hour daily just playing on the keyboard making senseless tunes. Oh well, that's what happens when you start late...30 years late...zzz

On another note, 12 days and counting.....

A Day to remember,

a time to fear,
an hour of reckoning,
of wishes held dear.

A moment of joy,
peace and clarity.
A future that questions
" is there destiny"?

The past 72 hours has been, simply put, interesting. A see saw of events has put me in a position where I truly enjoyed what I have around me and realised so much more that being happy for now is more important that expecting to be happy in the future. I recently coined a life motto, "Expect Nothing, Hope for Everything" however certain events led to me scrapping it after a short while. But now I believe that it still holds in me.

And in 2 weeks I will know how much I've grown...

A routine kept...

a routine lost.

I managed a trip down to Singapore earlier this week. 2 days 1 night to be exact. Luckily for me I didn't have to pay for my transportation and lodging this time around as my boss decided that my input on location was worth the RM 1000 the trip would relatively cost. To explain how much I actually spent on my own (and even this I've been told to claim from the company), I brought around SGD 150, left over from my previous trip and returned with SGD 120. Ok, I didn't shop because I really couldn't tell if the things there were cheaper than Malaysia as I was very much thinking in terms of SGD instead of RM when I was there.

To illustrate, I spent SGD4 on a hot choclate and SGD3.50 for a sandwich for breakfast without flinching. This happened even before I was told to claim for all my meals not paid on corporate card (Yes, I have one that can only be used when I'm on business. I wished my company would require me to travel more....Muahahaha). Only after being told by a local that I have good taste (without realising at first the 'good' meant 'expensive and extravagent') I realised I spent almost RM 20 for breakfast!! You wouldn't see me spending that much for a sandwich and hot chocolate for Breakfast in Malaysia!

Now, what did I lose? Well, for those who've known me long enough and recall my older, older posts, I have this thing for Singapore's Burger King. I just think it's so much better than the local ones. MUCH BETTER. So much better that I have, without failure, always had at least 1 serve of the Whopper before returning to Malaysia. Unfortunately, this time around I was busy maximising opportunities to try new food. Procrastinating getting a Whopper until the very end. On the last meal of the trip, I stumbled upon a Brazillian restaurant (called Carnivore, which should have rang a bell). Since I couldn't find a French restaurant I thought I'd just try it. To my surprise they were serving set Buffet meal where they hawk their barbecued meat around and in the end, I had more meat that 1 meal than I had the entire month of September! (They served beef, pork, lamb, chicken and fish. Fish was poor eventhough they served Salmon). By the time I was done, which took me less than an hour, I was so full I couldnt' bring myself to buy a Whopper for later.

Hence, I now have broken my chain of always getting a BK Whopper each time I go to Singapore. As it has been recently, over the past few months, I've broken quite a number of my rules and chains, which, while some have been uneventful, others have brought a good change to my life. Maybe it's time to set new chains/rules? Hmmmm.

On a side note, someone I know recently started blogging (she started much longer ago, but back then I wasn't in the mood to 'layan', hehe). However, in her blog there was no opportunity to comment, so that somewhat loses it's appeal abit. But I must say, she does write well.....