Today must be one of the worst days of my emotional life.
I feel like caving in..I feel like giving up.
I feel like there's no more reason to keep going on. Not the way I wish to.
I feel I am lost and will never be found.
I fear I am losing resolve, that I'm cornered without a way out.
I don't want to fall, I don't want to lose. But I don't think I can take it anymore..
Time to let go?
Oh, in case anyone reading this gets really funny ideas, I'm trying to not have to date...:P
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Sarcasm..
To some, I've too much of it. To others, I've not got enough..
I've always been a quick thinking person, especially as a child. While it was easy to dismiss the child's nasty remarks as naive and innocent, somehow my remarks seem to always cut straight to the point and hurt people. Around the age of nine, one time my family decided to visit my grandfather's orchard. Now this isn't your nice orchard where you've got gardeners and cleaners plus nice infrastructure for people to rest and relax. Nope. This is your 'in the woods' and poorly run type of orchards. Typically, our visit there wasn't much for fun but to work. There were plantations to care for, weeds to pull, shed to clean and develop.
It was pain. I couldn't fathom what on earth I was there for if all I get to do is sweat in the sun and work for no apparent reason other than my parents or grandparents telling me so. Typically, me being myself, I abhored these visits and I doubt I made any attempts to hide my displeasure. So on one fine day at the orchard, I quipped back at something and my mom told me,"why do you always say things without going through your head?"
Now I've heard that a thousand times before and in the past, I couldn't understand what it meant. But this time, it somehow dawned upon me that I always voice my opinion without really caring how it would make other people feel. That, and my lack of tact meant that everytime I spoke truthfully, someone gets hurt. Yes, the truth hurts especially when it's not laced with kindness and compassion. Since then I started to become slowly, but surely, a thinking communicator instead. What I didn't realise, was that by me slowly forcing my words through my head before they came out, I now lack the ability to be straight to the point. Instead of spear like accuracy, I began developing twist and turns in my words, sort of in my own way to hide the bare truth.
But the sarcastic part of me never really left. It just got shafted to my inner self, my subconcious. Every now and then, at times when I have least control of my thoughts, those pointed sentences come out thick and fast by the time it's over I am labeled rude, disrespectful and what not. I wasn't even a teenager yet...
Over time I ceased becoming a person easy to anger yet easy to make friends, but I started to become more recluse and introvert. Yes, I used less sarcasm, but that was because I talked less. When I do talk, I take such a long departure from the point that I either confuse or bore people. Oh yes, I agree I was boring. That's the price I had to pay to not hurt people.
Then in my days in the university, where most people begin to find themselves and what they want to do in the future (yes, some kids have their future all planned out. But for lesser beings like me, it takes much longer (and sometimes never) to find one's true calling) I had a weird conversation with an associate while hanging out at a hobby store. In that conversation, I think there was alot of dissing of certain players both for their behaviour and their poor results. The associate stated,"No matter how bad the person is, they too have self-pride. We shouldn't be bashing them up so thoughtlessly".
Again I was reminded of what my mother used to say about me. The funnier thing was that this statement came from an associate who isn't exactly the kindest person in the world. Yet he, truthfully or not, found it relevant to cut people slack. Again, I do not recall any of our personality strikes being lies, so they were just plain truths that hurt. Being upfront about it, hurts.
There lies the issue with sarcasm. Or at least when people complain about my sarcasm. Wait, the stories incomplete.
So reeling of 2 insightful statements to remind me that not everyone can handle the truth (yeah, I knew it before A Few Good Men did..:p), at one time I was helping out with a M:tG event. It was back in 2000 and KL was hosting its first ever Grand Prix and they needed people. I happily volunteered as I was no good with the game, but ruleswise I was ok. I also passed my level 1 judge test there, despite not really scoring the required passing mark, so it was all good then.
What I want to mention was one of the nights we had dinner at a nearby restaurant. The main organisers from the US were also holding an Invitational event running concurrently with the GP. That dinner, they also invited the Invitational players. One Gary Wise (only those aware of M:tG would know the name, if you've been playing long enough..:p) was seated opposite me at dinner. In one of the conversation, something came up and most of the people had a good laugh but I was clueless. I got a nice remark from Gary," You're not very good with Sarcasm, are you?"
Here I go "what?" in my head. All my life I've been blasted for being too sarcastic and here someone's telling me I'm not good enough? How rude! But that's besides the point. More importantly, I realise that sarcasm is only good for people when they don't get hurt but when they do, it's bad. The problem is, most of the time my sarcastic remarks happen IS when the person's around. Not behind their backs. It's not like I'm lying about them. I'm just making obvious, without the shadow of concealment, the plain truth that hurts. For that, I am crucified to no end.
Well, too bad people. You've got to learn to handle the truth because everyday you have to face it. Laced with kindness or not, the truth will hurt you. It's just whether you have to face the pain in front of people or in hiding. If you have a problem with me telling in your face what the truth is, then don't let me find out the truth. I aim to pull no punches. Same goes if you know of my truths. Spare me no leniency and just fire away. Fair game, this sarcasm.
I'm done trying to say nice things to people so that they don't get hurt.
I've always been a quick thinking person, especially as a child. While it was easy to dismiss the child's nasty remarks as naive and innocent, somehow my remarks seem to always cut straight to the point and hurt people. Around the age of nine, one time my family decided to visit my grandfather's orchard. Now this isn't your nice orchard where you've got gardeners and cleaners plus nice infrastructure for people to rest and relax. Nope. This is your 'in the woods' and poorly run type of orchards. Typically, our visit there wasn't much for fun but to work. There were plantations to care for, weeds to pull, shed to clean and develop.
It was pain. I couldn't fathom what on earth I was there for if all I get to do is sweat in the sun and work for no apparent reason other than my parents or grandparents telling me so. Typically, me being myself, I abhored these visits and I doubt I made any attempts to hide my displeasure. So on one fine day at the orchard, I quipped back at something and my mom told me,"why do you always say things without going through your head?"
Now I've heard that a thousand times before and in the past, I couldn't understand what it meant. But this time, it somehow dawned upon me that I always voice my opinion without really caring how it would make other people feel. That, and my lack of tact meant that everytime I spoke truthfully, someone gets hurt. Yes, the truth hurts especially when it's not laced with kindness and compassion. Since then I started to become slowly, but surely, a thinking communicator instead. What I didn't realise, was that by me slowly forcing my words through my head before they came out, I now lack the ability to be straight to the point. Instead of spear like accuracy, I began developing twist and turns in my words, sort of in my own way to hide the bare truth.
But the sarcastic part of me never really left. It just got shafted to my inner self, my subconcious. Every now and then, at times when I have least control of my thoughts, those pointed sentences come out thick and fast by the time it's over I am labeled rude, disrespectful and what not. I wasn't even a teenager yet...
Over time I ceased becoming a person easy to anger yet easy to make friends, but I started to become more recluse and introvert. Yes, I used less sarcasm, but that was because I talked less. When I do talk, I take such a long departure from the point that I either confuse or bore people. Oh yes, I agree I was boring. That's the price I had to pay to not hurt people.
Then in my days in the university, where most people begin to find themselves and what they want to do in the future (yes, some kids have their future all planned out. But for lesser beings like me, it takes much longer (and sometimes never) to find one's true calling) I had a weird conversation with an associate while hanging out at a hobby store. In that conversation, I think there was alot of dissing of certain players both for their behaviour and their poor results. The associate stated,"No matter how bad the person is, they too have self-pride. We shouldn't be bashing them up so thoughtlessly".
Again I was reminded of what my mother used to say about me. The funnier thing was that this statement came from an associate who isn't exactly the kindest person in the world. Yet he, truthfully or not, found it relevant to cut people slack. Again, I do not recall any of our personality strikes being lies, so they were just plain truths that hurt. Being upfront about it, hurts.
There lies the issue with sarcasm. Or at least when people complain about my sarcasm. Wait, the stories incomplete.
So reeling of 2 insightful statements to remind me that not everyone can handle the truth (yeah, I knew it before A Few Good Men did..:p), at one time I was helping out with a M:tG event. It was back in 2000 and KL was hosting its first ever Grand Prix and they needed people. I happily volunteered as I was no good with the game, but ruleswise I was ok. I also passed my level 1 judge test there, despite not really scoring the required passing mark, so it was all good then.
What I want to mention was one of the nights we had dinner at a nearby restaurant. The main organisers from the US were also holding an Invitational event running concurrently with the GP. That dinner, they also invited the Invitational players. One Gary Wise (only those aware of M:tG would know the name, if you've been playing long enough..:p) was seated opposite me at dinner. In one of the conversation, something came up and most of the people had a good laugh but I was clueless. I got a nice remark from Gary," You're not very good with Sarcasm, are you?"
Here I go "what?" in my head. All my life I've been blasted for being too sarcastic and here someone's telling me I'm not good enough? How rude! But that's besides the point. More importantly, I realise that sarcasm is only good for people when they don't get hurt but when they do, it's bad. The problem is, most of the time my sarcastic remarks happen IS when the person's around. Not behind their backs. It's not like I'm lying about them. I'm just making obvious, without the shadow of concealment, the plain truth that hurts. For that, I am crucified to no end.
Well, too bad people. You've got to learn to handle the truth because everyday you have to face it. Laced with kindness or not, the truth will hurt you. It's just whether you have to face the pain in front of people or in hiding. If you have a problem with me telling in your face what the truth is, then don't let me find out the truth. I aim to pull no punches. Same goes if you know of my truths. Spare me no leniency and just fire away. Fair game, this sarcasm.
I'm done trying to say nice things to people so that they don't get hurt.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Fireworks...
Bored and tired of playing Dota, I stepped into the living room hoping to entertain myself by gazing into the idiot box. It was around 8.30pm and the idiot box was showing rather idiotic things. I wonder why I pay the monthly fee these days since the shows are rather crappy over weekends. I don't watch on weekdays you see. But if I were to cancel the subscription my mother would probably give me an earful since she's at home all day (except for weekends...)..
Even while playing Dota in my room I've been hearing someone talking as though there is a party nearby. Dismissing it as probably one of my neighbour in my 24 stories apartment (or condominuim, but I don't want peple to think that I live in some really expensive place because the place is not that expensive, or classy, at all) hosting a party, I just kept ignoring the noise I hear in a futile attempt to find some entertainment via the idiot box.
Then I hear explosions and looking out my balcony I see bright colours. The explosions persist and then I realised someone was letting off fireworks nearby, around the construction sites of the semi-detach houses at the bottom of the hill my apartments occupy. Without much thought I instinctively opened up the grill to my balcony (yes, eventhough I live on the 22nd floor, it pays to be careful with home security as there are people who would climb into balconies that high up just for an easy break in) and stepped out to have a closer look.
I've watched fireworks before, but in most instances they are at least a few kilometres away and I'm usually on the ground. This time, I am at a height where the lights go bright and the loud booms are resonating throughout my apartment. The fireworks went on for a good 3-5 minutes, all the time I just stood there and witnessed the spectacle. Realising the show was finishing, as well as my proximity to the fireworks, I was somewhat worried that the finishing act might just reach me. Indeed the final blast was huge and far reaching, but luckily it didn't shoot across as far as I was worried about.
That, made my Saturday Evening. Sunday was still crap, however.
Though I want to note that while I still don't see why people like fireworks all that much, after all, it's just lights and loud noises, seeing one so close and so unexpectedly have reminded me how beautiful fireworks can be. As well as how life can spring surprises in the most unexpected of ways. The next time I hear noise like parties, I hope they have fireworks too. This time I'll try to record it on camera.
Even while playing Dota in my room I've been hearing someone talking as though there is a party nearby. Dismissing it as probably one of my neighbour in my 24 stories apartment (or condominuim, but I don't want peple to think that I live in some really expensive place because the place is not that expensive, or classy, at all) hosting a party, I just kept ignoring the noise I hear in a futile attempt to find some entertainment via the idiot box.
Then I hear explosions and looking out my balcony I see bright colours. The explosions persist and then I realised someone was letting off fireworks nearby, around the construction sites of the semi-detach houses at the bottom of the hill my apartments occupy. Without much thought I instinctively opened up the grill to my balcony (yes, eventhough I live on the 22nd floor, it pays to be careful with home security as there are people who would climb into balconies that high up just for an easy break in) and stepped out to have a closer look.
I've watched fireworks before, but in most instances they are at least a few kilometres away and I'm usually on the ground. This time, I am at a height where the lights go bright and the loud booms are resonating throughout my apartment. The fireworks went on for a good 3-5 minutes, all the time I just stood there and witnessed the spectacle. Realising the show was finishing, as well as my proximity to the fireworks, I was somewhat worried that the finishing act might just reach me. Indeed the final blast was huge and far reaching, but luckily it didn't shoot across as far as I was worried about.
That, made my Saturday Evening. Sunday was still crap, however.
Though I want to note that while I still don't see why people like fireworks all that much, after all, it's just lights and loud noises, seeing one so close and so unexpectedly have reminded me how beautiful fireworks can be. As well as how life can spring surprises in the most unexpected of ways. The next time I hear noise like parties, I hope they have fireworks too. This time I'll try to record it on camera.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Dream, Dream, Dream......
Absolutely no idea what brought me to come up with that header, aside from the fact that every other header I wanted to use seemed like something i've used before. So here's to disjointed headings. Wait, that doesn't really work since the heading's quite complete, just that it has nothing to do with the nothing that I'm about to nothing about. Is the 'Nothing' closing in on me? Where's my own luckdragon? Heck, i could do with a little bit of luck these days..
Aside from having cheat pains at irregular intervals, in which the GP claims to be me just anxious or depressed (which is true on the later count), I'm every bit the same person as I was the last time I posted. I don't have much to talk about, my life's an utter bore (having said that, it's boring to me. it might not be boring to you, but to me it is so here's to writers right...) and I've littel reasons to post much here.
Work environs hasn't changed though I'm getting better interaction with the colleagues seated near me. But otherwise, same old same old. I'm tired of whining about work, so let's move on the my personal life.
I've been thinking about blogging on certain topics. Marriage and Divorce, Straying Men, the State of Economy in my Country (this is extremely risky as I could get myself hauled of for no reason..:p), My Sorry Life....etc.. But some how the topics just seemed either too sensitive (really, sensitive? For me?? :p) or I just don't think I have sufficient know-how to write about those topics. So I'm kind of having a writer's block recently.
I could rant about my failing heart and my constant state of depression, but that's a little too revealing. Enough to mention that my constant battle with age and the interesting things that comes with it are failing; To a point I'm almost at a loss to what I'm to do.
So enough babbling incoherently even on a blog. Let's try to get some semblance with the header/title/subject.
I recently dreamnt of a death of a person dear to me, yet even in the dream I felt so little over the death I wonder will I ever mourn the way other people do. Wait,...boring..let's try again.
I still dream to one day write down my 3 piano concertos, 2 symphonies, 3 overtures, 1 violin concerto, several piano scores and other ocherstral works. If only I'd spend less time with mindless automated activities like computer gaming and start writing. Wait, I've mention this severa times too. Broken recorder am I not?
Ok, dream. C'mon. I can do better than this.
Oh, I have a new dream car. It's known as a Mini Cooper. (not sure if I've mentioned this before...) Not any Mini Cooper (though in essence, actually, any Mini Cooper will do...:p) but one that's pimped to look like a Kelisa. I recall being asked why would I want a car that cost near half a million ringgit be pimped to look like a car that cost a tenth of it. Well, imagine being looked down upon by other drivers on a slope/highway/traffic lights thinking that they'd overpower me anytime. Then before they'd see it, vroom! I'm off and they can kiss my a$$!!! Haha. I'd still lose out to those big big luxury cars or even the sports ones, but hey, where I am, I'd probably beat around 85% of the other cars...:D
Now that's 1 dream that is new. My other 2 dreams, well.......
Maybe one day if I'm drunk I'd end up posting them here...But I can always delete them...muahahahahahahah
Now back to my boring existence...
Aside from having cheat pains at irregular intervals, in which the GP claims to be me just anxious or depressed (which is true on the later count), I'm every bit the same person as I was the last time I posted. I don't have much to talk about, my life's an utter bore (having said that, it's boring to me. it might not be boring to you, but to me it is so here's to writers right...) and I've littel reasons to post much here.
Work environs hasn't changed though I'm getting better interaction with the colleagues seated near me. But otherwise, same old same old. I'm tired of whining about work, so let's move on the my personal life.
I've been thinking about blogging on certain topics. Marriage and Divorce, Straying Men, the State of Economy in my Country (this is extremely risky as I could get myself hauled of for no reason..:p), My Sorry Life....etc.. But some how the topics just seemed either too sensitive (really, sensitive? For me?? :p) or I just don't think I have sufficient know-how to write about those topics. So I'm kind of having a writer's block recently.
I could rant about my failing heart and my constant state of depression, but that's a little too revealing. Enough to mention that my constant battle with age and the interesting things that comes with it are failing; To a point I'm almost at a loss to what I'm to do.
So enough babbling incoherently even on a blog. Let's try to get some semblance with the header/title/subject.
I recently dreamnt of a death of a person dear to me, yet even in the dream I felt so little over the death I wonder will I ever mourn the way other people do. Wait,...boring..let's try again.
I still dream to one day write down my 3 piano concertos, 2 symphonies, 3 overtures, 1 violin concerto, several piano scores and other ocherstral works. If only I'd spend less time with mindless automated activities like computer gaming and start writing. Wait, I've mention this severa times too. Broken recorder am I not?
Ok, dream. C'mon. I can do better than this.
Oh, I have a new dream car. It's known as a Mini Cooper. (not sure if I've mentioned this before...) Not any Mini Cooper (though in essence, actually, any Mini Cooper will do...:p) but one that's pimped to look like a Kelisa. I recall being asked why would I want a car that cost near half a million ringgit be pimped to look like a car that cost a tenth of it. Well, imagine being looked down upon by other drivers on a slope/highway/traffic lights thinking that they'd overpower me anytime. Then before they'd see it, vroom! I'm off and they can kiss my a$$!!! Haha. I'd still lose out to those big big luxury cars or even the sports ones, but hey, where I am, I'd probably beat around 85% of the other cars...:D
Now that's 1 dream that is new. My other 2 dreams, well.......
Maybe one day if I'm drunk I'd end up posting them here...But I can always delete them...muahahahahahahah
Now back to my boring existence...
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
New Toy for the Big Boy!!!!
My Digital Piano has arrived!!!!!
Yippie!!!!
It's not much, but sure cost me quite a bomb....
It even has recordings in it and some interesting selections indeed!!
Can't wait to go home tonight and continue pounding on the keys!!!
Oops...
A little useless post this is....:p
Yippie!!!!
It's not much, but sure cost me quite a bomb....
It even has recordings in it and some interesting selections indeed!!
Can't wait to go home tonight and continue pounding on the keys!!!
Oops...
A little useless post this is....:p
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