Deja Vu??

How do I explain this?

About a year ago, nearing July, I was onto a nervous wreck. At the same time, I was also in the company of a rather attractive female......Ironic? Of course, nothing really happened, but let's start from the beginning.

Several weeks leading to July 1st 2004, I was in a position to hate my job so much that I very well wouldn't want to work anymore (Not that too much of that has changed). Then this colleague of mine at work began to get closer to me that I thought. Needing a diversion from work, I indulged myself in this 'impossibility' as my mind was close to loosing control. I even let her make me express my feelings, something that I usually would only do after a whole lot of thought. Real lot.

It did't help the fact that she is attractive, to many people as well. Yes, you could say I got suckered in the love game. It did do several good things to me....I got my first movie date after what, 18 months? I also could go ahead working without thinking too much about how I hated it. Oh, I should mention that I won my first Raw Deal (Wrestling CCG) Tournament that weekend too. So things couldn't be any better, right?

It lasted exactly 1 week. I followed it with a week of annual leave,which was cut short to 3 days due to 'business need'. After that things went from extremely friendly to complete strangers between me and her (My fault, really!). Not that it was bad, really. My, erm, impulsive behaviour would have been detrimental to my personality, if things happened like anything but now...(Note to self, need to write on my need to be an individual, however ridiculous it is)

Ok, how is this deja vu? Well, first off, I am...........'looking' again (Barry, if you ever see this, like ever, please don't choke and die, ok?). I think I have seen, however.......but things move slower than me...And I am really, really slow. At the same time, I am also enjoying my non-work life more through running tournaments again, and (wow) 2 RPGs sessions for 12 hours in 1 weekend! (more on that later)

I have 4 days to July 1st. Patience is a virtue. Hopefully I have it.

What's on my mind now

Artist: Wilson Phillips
Title: Give It Up


You can't hide it from me
Admit it baby
'cause i'm wise to your disguise
I've seen you love me with your eyes

Even if you think i'm a fool and i just can't tell
Then you don't know me well
Won't you come over here and break the ice
It would be so nice

It's what you want when you're around me
You're a little bit shy, and i feel the need
And i can tell that you're happy you found me
Just give it up...

Chorus:
Why wait around when you know what you're feeling (give it up)
I look through your eyes
I can see that you want somebody (give it up)
It could feel so good to get into it.
Give it up! give it up! you want it baby.
Give it up! give it up! you know you got me.
Come on, come on, come on and give it up.

I can't, i can't lie to you
Now we can all tell stories so come over here and love me. uh-huh
Even if you think i'm a fool and i just can't tell
Sorry i know you well.
And i know you will

Come over here and love me
It's what you want when you're around me
You're a little bit shy, and i feel the need
And i can tell that you're happy you found me
Just give it up...

(chorus)

So dream your way into my life
'cause baby i'll give you tonight
I'll bring all your pictures to life
Give it up! give it up! give it up! give it up!
Give it up... (ooh god) give it up... just give it up...give it up

Give it up! give it up (yeah!)
Give it up! give it up!
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, give it up
Give it up! won't you give it up baby tonight?

Fade


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I need to get this downloaded.....hmmmm

I must be in a different dimension!!

Yet again, another 'leader' in the company display lack of......English Comprehension. One wonders what exactly do the management look at to select lower level leaders....Other than the obvious, "Mess with the process, you do not..."

Incompetence seems to be their favourite past time. At my level, it should be forgivable, though not acceptable. However, at their level, do they not see that their incompetence reflects badly on their effectiveness and inteligence?

I'd understand if the person is new. New to being a people leader. New to my department. My company. But we are talking about people who's been here longer than I have. Been a leader for more than 6 months. DOn't they see the relevance in learning more than just how to politic their way through the company?

I think I have boiled over here. I use to emphatise that there could be reasons why they know so little about the job. Now, being there before, I know it's because of 2 reasons:

They couldn't be bothered; or, They can't. For what it's worth, they're still there and I'm here.

Had a discussion with some colleagues the other day and this guy who's relatively new complained that it's the management culture that has resulted to things being this way. And if management doesn't change, neither will the lower level leaders. In other words, we are all doomed.

Maybe it's time to bolt, but I fail to see how other companies may be different from this one. Maybe I am destined to make the change. Or I am meant to be the final fall guy. Until lightning strikes me, I don't feel like being mr. Nice Guy and save the world. If it won't save itself, then it's high time the population on earth goes through a major reduction.

May the strongest live and the less strong, strive.

Why do I have to work with such bumbling baffons!!!

For me to write this means I'm truly boiling over. No doubt my sentiments aren't all true, but hell? Why is it people who are leaders can know so little of the business and it's processes and survive in the workplace? Can the powers that be not see their shortcomings?

They make it so hard to get into those positions, yet so little that make the cut portray what the requirements needed them to show.

It seems like leadership is a quality exclusive of all other good qualities, like common sense, ability to learn, hardworking, passionate, quick thinking, creativity and innovation, etc. All leaders know is how to make people think they know better. And they don't. Or they do....We'll, what's perceive as true almost always alters the truth.

These jokers can come ask me for the silliest of assistance, as though they got to where they are by inheritance. So what Dilbert says must be true, you only get promoted to make sure you don't mess with with process. Idiots get promoted. Sure, some great leaders are smart and benevolent, but for every great leader, you'll have 1 million sucky ones that unfortunately the masses can't tell the difference.

When will we live in a society where merit belong to the deserving? How much more will mankind chose to let mediocracy lead it's future??

Pissed is an understatement now.

And so I hated Love........

Lazy to write anything new, so I will post Part 2 of "Why I'm NOt In Love"

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If you are not convinced to stop after reading Part One;


Let me remind you how poor your records are

You have:

Fallen for X different girls in your lifetime
X/2 +1 of which knew how you felt
X/2 -1 were oblivious of it
Yet none ever set you free from your loneliness

Those who knew how you felt
Didn't reciprocate
Those who didn't know
Didn't know why you never kept in touch

The moment you get rejected
You plunged into depression
And invoked Suicide Mode
Hating yourself, Finding faults with them
Totally ignoring the reasons why you loved them in the first place

When you finally concede and let things be
Your heart tries to make you change your mind
And out of desperation
You do the silliest and destructive things
By giving them Ultimatums that even you would not agree

To end the pain inside
You burn bridges, severe ties
Only to regret it later in your life
Only when there is no turning back

So stop being a fool for love
Understand that your heart is weak
And beat it at it's own game
Don't let it cloud your judgment
For that is your only saving grace

Still unconvinced?

Check out part 3 for case studies

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Well, there isn't any part 3, nor do I hope I end up writing them. I actually ended up trying again last year, to no success ofcourse. By now I have come to realise that no amount of control can stop me from falling for someone. However, my fear of rejection, coupled by my ability to procrastinate, ensures that I will go no further than just that, falling for someone. So without external forces, nothing will change.

Until the time when that someone is more than I can fall for, it is also one that I can die for, live for, fight for and be happy for, these 2 parts will help me keep myself in check. Lightning will strike eventually, when I least expect it...Let it be.......(could not complete the sentence as it contradicts me...)

Part 2 will have to wait....

Sorry. Not keen in posting part 2 of a very sorry and sordid me relating about falling in love. Not yet, anyway.

Been.........unproductive lately. Wait, that's like 3 months running, no?

Several highlights of the weekend...

1) FFK( that's Fong Fei Kei in cantonese, or missing appointment) my sister when we were suppose to go to a talk hosted by Pantai Medical on obesity and yet another solution to it. My sister told me that it was a real talk, a medical one, and that the procedure is actually meant for those with morbid obesity. It involves putting a 'valve' around your stomach entrance to reduce it's size and give you a full feeling. If only I had RM 80K......

2) Went to the shop only to be somewhat dissapointed that, well, I missed alot of fun. Why I say somewhat? Because I doubt I would had the capacity to enjoy what they did, knowing the controls in me will hinder my capability to 'follow through'. In other words, better non-existent than party pooper. Besides, everyone had fun, so that's hardly a bad thing. If I need to have fun too, I'd find my own ways.

3) Also somewhat dissapointed was that certain expected interaction with certain individuals at the shop didn't occur, or occurred long enough. I only manage to play several Wrestling matches and that was with the "Bitch" of the Year. Man, I hate that "B". I do. Fortunately there were a group of guys playing M:TG as they prepare themselves for the Regionals. Short note: Regionals is a competition that allows one to be invited to Nationals, an yearly invited competition that has good money to be won. Not to mention the title of being the best the country has to offer that year.

Actually ended up playing M:TG until 1.30am. Was having so much fun with this Blue Control deck against a Mono Red blasting deck. On several occasions when I had absolutely no answer and I still won, the Red Deck didn't seem to draw questions.

My continuous abuse of work time has now lead me to reading & rereading old post on certain individual's blogs. As mentioned before, blogs are a safe way to know people, without having to go through the (possible) horrible time of conversation (If you can't tell my people skills are zero by now, welcome aboard!). Not to mention the option to pretend I know nothing, when in fact I do. I like information, and I have problems sharing it...

Yeah, that's what I wanted to write in the first place. Cheap shots at quotes I don't know by who:

" Knowledge is Power"

" He who knows not, and knows not he knows not, he is a fool, leave him.
He who knows not, and knows he knows not, he is simple, teach him.
He who knows, and knows not he knows, he is asleep, wake him.
He who knows, and knows he knows, he is wise, follow him"

I knew those quotes since I was eight (FYI, I can't seem to remember much of what I did when I was 7, so everything seemed to have happened when I was 8....) and have since always wanted to know more that I needed. That lead me to being somewhat of a busybody, always eager to poke my nose into other poeple's problems, like helping with homework when they can do it themselves, giving solutions to problems that others never asked....etc...Eventually I guess people got tired of my take without giving attitude (on information) that no one bothered to be friends with me. That, coupled with my stringent requirement to be "My" friend, results in me having an extremely limited pool of close contacts. People that would hang out with me. People that would want my company.

Content check...Talk about information, not why you are an island...Focus...

Back to reading the blog for information. It's nice to know about people, what they did, how they felt, who did what, etc... It's like soap opera, real life. Never gonna happen to me, so being a spectator is as good as it gets. Not really the kind of information that constitutes raw power, like who's next on the hitman's list, what stock will rise in a couple of days to make me filthy rich...etc..but it does gives me an edge over others. There's this sense of achievement to see the bigger picture better than others, or it's just me and my (what)ego..

Information has a strange way of being powerful. The whole, I know something you know is already a measure of power. Coupled that with, what I know can manipulate what you know, and not, is even greater power. Factor in that your actions rely on what you know, that's currently factored by what I tell you..........To break that chain, you need to know, not just from 1 source, but from multiple sources. Ensure they correlate and then you will have the edge (no reference to the edge in V:TES, but that's another story.) With it, at the very least you're less likely to be flanked in most situations.

Hope those who know me won't start to block me from reading their blogs now. It's good entertainment too!

P.s. Apologies for the weird writing style. I personally don't know who I am writing to most of the time, myself, or you?

Not for the faint hearted

I wrote this back in 2003, when I didn't know of "BLOG" and needed a good reminder to myself before I put myself in a 'life-threatening' situation again.

I shall put it here. Apologies if this isn't fresh...

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Part 1: If you (think) fall in love.......

Again
It means that it's been a long time since your mind overwhelmingly exposes the shortcomings that your heart is showing
That your heart seems to have forgotten how it puts you into the most embarrassing and silly situations just to satisfy it's natural instinct
The instinct to be with another human being
To no longer be alone

However, weak as it is and forgetful
Your heart fails to understand that until a time you are willing to be someone they need to convince them that you are sincere
You will only hurt yourself
Not to mention make a total fool of yourself

The heart has an array of tricks to make you think otherwise
To disillusion you into believing this could be it
The right girl, the right feel, the right time
But it is never true!!
NEVER!!

The heart only knows how to react when your biological clock ticks
And tick it will, louder and louder as time passes
Know that no matter how much you feel the need, you are simply incapable of doing it right
Saying what they want to hear, doing what they want to see,
Feeling what they need you to feel, at the precise time
And by the time you realise it, it is always too late
Or NEVER!!

Do not let your heart tell you someone looks at you that way,
Or someone feels for you in this way
Because they've never felt that way with you
They are just being friendly as they can see how lonely you are
And when you feel that the heart may be right,
Ask yourself:
Can you be someone who will do whatever it takes to make them feel right?
Can you say the words without inhibitions, can you show how you feel without fear?

You know you can't, and don't ever be convinced otherwise

Unconvinced, continue part 2

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Man...I must have been pissed....

So Long....Goodbye

No, it's not my last post, nor am I leaving for, another plane......

The above was the name of a Raw Deal Card (Caution! Whole post revolves mainly on a Raw Deal Tournament that happened yesterday) that practically made my day yesterday. Yesterday, after a long, long while, I played in a sanctioned Raw Deal Tournament that I could win a prize. It was for the U.S. Title Belt. Let the storytelling begin.......

Saturday, 4th June 2005 @ 6.00pm

Andy: Hey Ben, did you know there's a tournament tomorrow at Bangsar?
Me: Really?? No, i had no idea.
Andy: Call Joe. He's got the details.
Me: Any card restrictions? (Oi, already asnwered above la!)

later, during a dinner that a I didn't eat....

Andy: So did you call Joe and find out what can/cannot be played?
Me: No, I had his mobile number 3 times, and lost my phone that many times too.
(Dinner crowd shrugs in dissapointment)
Me: Anyone has his number? (To my surprise, all of a sudden there was a impromptu race to provide me the number.....And Triona won!)
(Tried to call Joe with no success)

After dinner, back at Wolf's Games Shop (where all wrestlers, table top gamers and RPGers call their 2nd home).

Andy: So did you call Joe?
Me: No luck. Can't get him.
Andy: Joe called me. It's a no PROMO tournament (PROMO capitalised for a unique reason).

yada yada yada yada.......

After a Movie and some more gaming, and just into 4th June 2005, i.e. 1.00am....Andy, Ahmad, Geoffrey ( I think that's his name) decided Enough With the Trash Talk (and gaming), it's time to feed. Off we went to our usual hangout place at Section 14, PJ. While on the way there, I had this conversation:

Me: Who do you think I should play tomorrow?
Ahmad: You should play 2MPT heat. Consistent deck.
Me: Why? (Again, why you like to ask questions that's already asnwered?) I think I want to play Gail Kim & Molly Holly. It's nice to be able to hit a 0-F manuever for 12 damage!...Andy's here. Don't tell him what I want to play tomorrow!
Ahmad: Ok!

By the end of the feeding session, I left the place bent on going home to build my "Hardcore Molly" deck, but was telling everyone I will play Big Poppa Pump. Yet for some reason, by the time I am home I chose to build a Big Poppa Pump Deck!

5th June 2005, @ 9.30am

Woke up early due to my familiarity to wake up to work. Curses. Thought that I will arrive early at Bangsar and use a proxy deck to play. Since Big Poppa Pump was Raw, I decided it's time to build a SmackDown Eugene deck. After making some changes to my current Raw Eugene, voila! Eugene is now SmackDown specialing in Torrie's DDT, Rock Bottom & thePeople's Elbow and a host of SuperStar Specific Moves that Eugene can mimick. Out of curiosity, I played Big Poppa Pump against Eugene only to see Big Poppa Pump get a Beating it will forget asap! All of a sudden, I have now decided to play Eugene instead! (Note: It is extremely enjoyable to play Eugene as you can hit to most ridiculous moves at your opponents!) Reached Bangsar at 12.20pm and, well, the rest is history......below:

Pre-Tournament:

I played a game with Joe with my Big Poppa Pump and lost marginally to his All Axxess JBL. Then came the time to write my name on the entry list.

Mae: Ben, are you chinese educated?
Me: No, why?
Mae: You write with a stlye similar to chinese caligraphy.
Me: No, their style is similar to me.
Mae: Unless you're thousands of years old....
Me: I am! Can't you tell? I am Immortal!!
Mae: No I can't tell...
Joe: I can. I can smell it!

While that conversation didn't turn out as close as the reality, I would note that for some unknown reason, the way I grip a pen (scratch that thought!) has always had many chinese questioning why I hold it that way...Whatever...

Fast Forward to Round One:

Opponent - Shane O'Mac played by Shaz

Got lucky as he decided not to Mean Streets of Greenwich me and I had the opportunity to play my preferred Prematches. The game was rather one sided, I threw several unique manuevers at him without return, and he was limited to 2 fortitude until the end. Sorry Shaz, Eugene had to Torrie's DDT you.

Round Two:

Opponent - APA by Fiezan

My first Heat opponent. Yet again I got lucky I had enough reversals in my hand and hit him with a first tun That One Thing, choosing submission. He was stuck at 4 fortitude and Torrie's DDT setup another win for Eugene.

Round Three:

Opponent - GOLDBerg by Johan(Joe)

This has got to be the easiet of all matchups. GOLDBerg's lack of 0-fort reversals, coupled by his inability to reverse unique manuevers with his ability, should mean a walkover for me. Yet, yet in this game I made 2 blunders. Firstly, I forgot to play It's Showtime to move first. That gave him an opportunity to push through a manuever (My hand was atrocious) and eventually we were both having 10+ fort. Then, as I wasn't drawing much manuevers, I decided to play Teaser Mode and search for........So Long....Goodbye. Yes it's a Raw Deal Card.

Joe: What did you search for?
Me: So Long, Goodbye.....(showing him the card)
Joe: Hey! That's a PROMO from Ruthless Agression
Me: (looked at the card and saw V 7.0 whatever that meant)
Joe: I know my PROMOs! What irony! So Long! GoodBye! (And laughs no different from a Hyena)
For the next 10+ minutes, I was in shame. Raw Deal Manager playing with an illegal deck. I should have been DQed. Thank goodness Mae, the person running that tourney, wasn't much of a rules person (heck, she probably doesn't even know how to play the game), decided to not decide and let my previous opponents decide on my fate. Due to some suprising turn of events, I was to rematch with Fiezan (Shaz let me off, good man) and lost to him (not so lucky this time). I was now from what should have been 3-0 to 1-2. It's Over for me.

Joe: Hey. Still got another round to go. Andy may still do a Go Behind!

And so there was another round. I was still distraught at this point due to the So Long, Goodbye thingy....Such a poor mistake.

Round Four

Opponent - Babe of the Year by Andy

For what would have been a difficuly match turned out ok as Eugene prevailed. But to think of it, 2 wins just ain't enough. Right? (ok, I have to admit, if I didn't cut it I wouldn't be bothered to write so much of this crap, no?)

Top four single elimination saw me do an "Andy", Go Behind. Andy was once playing with an illegal deck, made our semis matchup the matchup of the Liars, Cheaters & Thieves. However, despite his attempt to play differently, Eugene manage to hit him with more unique manuevers, including Babe Buster!

The other semis was Azmin's Torrie (Eugene's mentor) and Joe's GOLDBerg. Much the same as the swiss rounds, Azmin could not notch that much needed win over Joe to meet me for the final. So it was GOLDBerg VS Eugene in the final.

Joe: Come over and trash me, you cheater!
Me: (Still embarressed over the boo boo).......

No mistakes this time, I showtimed and hit Joe with Double Chop. For some unknown reason, Joe chose to not reverse it and, the rest, I guess, is History (not Anachronism!) Unique move after Unique move, I finished Joe off with RKO!

And so I've won. Yet another US Title Belt. Whatever......

Post Match.

Decided I should try out Azmin's Torrie just to 'prove' nothing, I got hit with DDTs until Eugene pinned out. It would have been a good feel, though!

So Long.....Goodbye......

Where were you??

Did you know that the Blog was down for 2 days, at least? I was bored silly. Well, actually, I was more interested to find out more of the few people's Blog that I read. I know them generally, but with the Blog I get to know them better.

Consider the fact that I am hopeless in conversations. It's not just the ladies, but even with men, I have problems sustaining a conversation.In general it's my fault. I have this way of thought that is somewhat peculiar to others, and my defiance denies me the opportunity to communicate more like others. I may try, but ultimately I fall back to they way I am, how I think, how I perceive.....I have a knack of finding humour it the wrongest (yes, that word doesn't exist) of places. At funerals, at weddings, someone's mishap, my own mishap, etc....

In any case, I have grown further and further apart from the way others communicate. Those who know me get use to it, and can even joke about it, but for those who don't, and there are truly many, they tend to either, a) missunderstand me, or b) think I'm a pycho and still missunderstand me. But that's ok. Being different is the few things that I treasure in my life, so screw the rest who can't understand me. It's your lost, not mine! (An exceptionally optimistic look, but one gets to do one of these every now and then, no?)

Back to the blog going down. Obviously if you read this it's back up, and the recent updates from certain individuals have somewhat startled me. I hope I didn't play a part in any of their misgivings. The good parts, yes, I wouldn't mind having a part. But the, um, not so good ones? ( It wasn't My Fault....You'll be hypnotised... It wasn't My Fault....You'll be hypnotised...It wasn't My Fault....You'll be hypnotised...It wasn't My Fault....You'll be hypnotised...It wasn't My Fault....You'll be hypnotised...)

No one's gonna fall for that, but it's a try.

I want to watch Madagascar.....If only I'd find out when.......................................................